


Not in your conscious control

by MaryLestrange



Series: Loathing [6]
Category: Black Friday - Team StarKid
Genre: Barnroe - Freeform, Becky's aware of her feelings, Becky's very drunk, Discussion of Abortion, F/F, Gerald is a total simp, Gerald is an actual cinnamon roll, Hangover, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Linda's kinda confused, Linda's married, Mildly Dubious Consent, Moral Ambiguity, Regrets, but also some heavy issues, she's still oblivious about Linda's, there's some kissing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-22
Updated: 2020-07-01
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:08:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,351
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24854350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaryLestrange/pseuds/MaryLestrange
Summary: Becky Barnes is drunk (again!) and she comes knocking on Linda's door in the middle of the night. And, as a pillar of the community, of course Linda takes her in. Things get messy pretty fast. Or were they already messy before?
Relationships: Becky Barnes & Linda Monroe, Becky Barnes/Linda Monroe, Gerald Monroe/Linda Monroe
Series: Loathing [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1736767
Comments: 6
Kudos: 30





	1. I wanna do the wrong thing

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be a one shot like the others, but it was getting too long so I decided to split it in two chapters. Oh, and fair warning, I guess things get heavier here.
> 
> Tw for mentions of domestic violence, discussion of abortion and mentions of vomit, no actual descriptions of any of those. Also, tw for mildly dubious consent (basically drunk snogging, doesn't go further than kissing)

It turned out that being married was a whole lot better than Linda used to think. Of course, she married into the Monroe family, one of the richest in the city, and she was enjoying each and every privilege that came with that. Linda was born for this kind of life. 

Sure, she was never poor, her mother made a decent income and, being just the two of them, she was able to provide a very comfortable life. But it was nothing,  _ nothing _ compared to the fortune that comes with the name Monroe. 

And she was so born for this, that the name even sounded good with hers: Linda Monroe, had a nice ring to it. And she fitted better in the family's meetings than her husband himself, the high society etiquette came almost naturally for her, even though she had to control more often her impulse to swear. But it had many other things that more than compensated this mild inconvenience. 

For starters, not just she had the vast family money at her disposal, but she married the Monroe that was also a doctor and was making even more money. Gerald has his own clinic, that his dad opened for him as soon as he finished his specialization, and he was really good at what he did, maybe one of the best plastic surgeons of Michigan, so people came from all over the state to get their nose done with him. 

And Linda took over herself to manage the clinic's finances and legal issues. Of course, they had employees for whom she delegated the heavier work, but it was absolutely necessary that she had her eyes and hands on it. She had to make sure their money was being well managed, especially because Gerald was a very competent surgeon but a terrible businessman. Plus, it put her business administration degree to a use, and, better yet, she got to do one of her favorite things: boss people around. 

Other great thing about being a Monroe was having boats. She got her first one as a wedding gift from her in laws, it seemed to be some kind of family tradition and something Gerald's dad really loved. At first, Linda just liked it for the status, the ostentatious nature of owning a boat. 

But sailing was starting to grow on her, the peace and quiet of the ocean, the clean breeze on her hair, seeing Hatchetfield get farther until the people on the pier were as small as they were insignificant. It was a great escape, she would stay there for hours sometimes, forgetting about life, entertaining the idea of going farther away, somewhere else, anywhere else. 

She was even learning to drive it by herself, to stop depending on the pilot they employed. And, best of all, she's joined the Hatchetfield Boating Society. It was a great excuse to socialize and gossip with other rich people, and she was already a very prominent member. Actually, Linda was ascending inside it so quickly that she'd bet the presidency would be hers in no time. 

Boating was also a nice way to get lovers, taking them to see her boat from the inside. It was a great excuse she learnt with Justin back in High School. And, speaking of Justin, getting married to his older brother made it very tempting to finish what they started back in school. Tempting and incredibly easy, when he'd come to Hatchetfield visit the family on occasional holidays. It was a good thing he didn't live in the city, so he never spent enough time with them for Linda to get tired of him. 

The bad side of that easyness was… it was equally easy to fuck up. And they did. Now she was four months pregnant because of it. Linda didn't want kids, it was never in her plans. But she was keeping it anyways. She wasn't sure why, but she couldn't bring herself to end it. Maybe it was because this thing could become a miniature of herself, maybe it would be something she could safely love. Maybe it could fill the hole she felt in her life. 

She wasn't very excited with the prospect of  _ raising _ it, though, but at least she wouldn't have to do it alone. Gerald was there for it, and boy, he was happy! He was spoiling her even more now than he did before, and that was saying something. He would be a good father, Linda was sure of that. 

He was a good husband, too. Actually, contrary to what anyone that sees them together must think, Gerald was one of Linda's favorite parts of this whole marriage deal. Not that she loves him, of course, loving was weakness and she learnt that lesson long ago. But she really enjoyed how much  _ he _ loves  _ her _ . 

More than love, he needs her, in more than one way. Gerald is this kind of genius that has one particular thing that they're completely dedicated to, so they're very good at it, but hopelessly inept in anything else. Sure enough, he's an incredible surgeon, but his social skills were beyond lacking. Being deeply insecure and indecisive, he very quickly became completely dependent on Linda to basically everything in his life that wasn't his job. 

And sure, sometimes it annoyed her to no end the way he didn't give a single step without asking her. But at the same time, she really liked it. Bossing people around was, after all, one of her favourite things to do, and it was perfect that Gerald loved to be bossed around just as much. He was so good, so compliant.  _ And _ he adored her. Linda had the impression that he was very aware that she was way out of his league, so he really treasured and cherished her in every way he could. It was nice, all the gifts and attention and affection.

He was even ok to fuck, too. Not that he was good in bed, but he went down with every kinky shit she'd come up with. Too passive for her liking sometimes, and he had a very low resistance to pain, but at the very least he was fun to play with. Of course, she kept cheating on him left and right, because she needed more than that. Being adored by one person was nice, but it wasn't enough. It was like a little bite into a delicious cake, it made her feel the taste of it and crave for more, but it alone couldn't satiate her hunger. Linda knew she could get more, and she did, every chance she had. 

Besides, what she looked for in her lovers was very different than what Gerald could give her. It was the thrill of the conquest, of hiding, of bending people to her will. Making proud men beg and plea, making women that thought themselves straight tremble beneath her. And sometimes, it was about losing herself in somebody's arms and letting go of the control. It was rare, to find someone who could out-top her, but eventually it happened and it was a thrill like nothing else, to be able to let herself go for just a few minutes. 

With Gerald she didn't have any of that, but she had other nice things that nobody could know she enjoyed, like what they were doing that night: cuddling under the blankets and watching a movie. It was one of those slasher flicks that she liked, not one of the best ones, but fun enough for a lazy Sunday night. Gerald got nervous and gripped her harder in every tense scene, and flinched every time a character died, which was almost as funny as the cheesy gore itself. 

They were in the middle of one of the tense scenes, the murderer was lurking outside the cabin where the characters were hiding. The music amped up the suspense and they both were holding their breaths, Linda expecting the catharsis of the kill, Gerald cowering and half hiding his face in her hair. And, just as the killer approached the cabin door on the movie, their doorbell rang in real life, making Gerald scream and almost spill the popcorn he was holding. Linda couldn't hold a loud laugh, as she paused the movie. 

"Geez, Gerald, how are you such a coward?" she mocked as she got out of the bed, making him slightly blush.

"Are you expecting someone?" he asked looking for his phone to check the time. 

"I wouldn't be in my pyjamas if I were, would I?" Linda rolled her eyes, putting on a white silk robe over her nightgown. Gerald mumbled a timid 'sorry', as he found his phone and lit its screen. 

"Who could it be, this late?" he sounded like he was still in the horror movie mindset, as he followed Linda downstairs. 

She didn't bother to answer him, and doorbell rang again, and then one more time as they got to the living room. 

"Jesus fucking Christ, we're coming!" the woman complained as she reached the door as peeked through the peephole. "Oh my God..." was all she could muster as she saw who was waiting on the other side. 

"Who is it?" 

Once again she didn't bother to answer her husband, in fact Linda barely thought at all as she opened the door. The next thing she knew, there was auburn hair all over her face and she was practically holding the weight of the other woman's body, as Becky Barnes has thrown herself into Linda's arms. Along with the surprise, the blonde felt a very strong, almost overwhelming smell of alcohol coming from her. 

"Linda! I need your help!" she mumbled, as the shorter woman tried to push her away from that weird hug. 

"Clearly. Geez, did you drive here?" they didn't live close, Linda's house was in the suburbs and there was no bus to this area so late at night. Surely enough, Becky nodded as she tried to stand up, but this simple movement with her head seemed to be too much, because her eyes went wide.

"Where's the bathroom?" 

_ Oh God.. _ . Was all Linda thought as she rolled her eyes and pointed to the closest one. Becky immediately ran in that direction in a clumsy way, almost stumbling at each step. Just when she was safely in front of the toilet that Linda turned to look at Gerald. He had the most confused look on his face, his eyes darting from Linda to Becky and back to his wife. 

"Should I call the police or something?" he asked, sounding apprehensive. 

"What? No! She's… I'm a pillar of this community, Gerald, I can't let this woman spend the night in the precinct or, God forbid, the middle of the streets, especially not in this state!" 

Gerald raised his eyebrows, not expecting this kind of answer, and she turned her back to him to lock the door again. If she didn't face his stare, it was easier to pretend she would do something like this for anyone else. As if! But Gerald didn't question her, he never did. 

"So… what should I do?" 

"Bring a pillow and a blanket and set them on the couch. She won't be able to get to a guest room upstairs." her voice was commanding, and Gerald obeyed without hesitation, as he usually did. 

Linda went to the bathroom door, and she heard the sound of flushing from the inside.

"Are you done in there?" she asked, but didn't wait for an answer to open the door. Becky was sitting on the floor, in front of the toilet, her head leaning on the wall behind her. She's managed to get her face and the tips of her hair dirty, and Linda made a face of disgust. 

"Wow, you're a mess." she said, looking down at the woman, using contempt to disguise the weird heartache she felt to see her like that. "Get up, let's clean you up, you're not laying in my couch like this." she reached her hand, helping Becky stand up.

"Thanks, Linda." she mumbled when she stood, leaning on the sink. Throwing up didn't seem to help her sober up. 

"This is the worst I've ever seen you" she pointed out, pouring a cup of mouthwash and handing it to her.

"It's the worst I seen me too" she sounded oddly proud, and it earned her a murderous glare from Linda, before she threw the liquid in her mouth like she was having a shot.

" _ Don't swallow it _ !" Becky's eyes widened in a guilty expression that made Linda sure that she really was about to do it. "You fucking moron, it's Listerine not tequila!" she rolled her eyes, as the redhead juggled the liquid in her mouth for a bit before spitting it. 

Not hiding her annoyance, Linda opened the faucet and handed her the soap, so she could clean herself. She felt completely out of place helping someone like that, but what else could she do when that stupid motherfucker showed up in her door in that state?

"What are you doing here, Barnes?" she asked, holding the ginger hair up and watering its dirty tips. 

"Where else could I go?" Becky asked, putting down the soap and starting to splash water on herself. 

"Uh, literally anywhere else?" Rolling her eyes at the mess the redhead was making, Linda got in the way and finished cleaning her, as if she was a child. Honestly, she hoped the brat in her uterus wouldn't give her this much work. "Don't you have a house and a husband?" 

Those words seemed to trigger something in Becky, because she stood taller and turned to look in Linda's eyes, her hands grabbing the silk robe almost desperately. 

"No! Don't make me go there! Don't let Stanley see me like this, please Linda!" her green eyes were filled with a fear Linda never thought she would see in someone she knew was so brave.

"Jesus, fine!" her tone got out a little more worried than she intended, her eyes wide with that unsettling outburst.

Becky let her go, and before either of them could say anything else, Gerald arrived, standing in the bathroom doorway.

"All set, honey." he announced, oblivious to the tense atmosphere. 

"Great, now get her on the couch." she didn't need to say please or thank you, not to him.

With a shy "Excuse me, mam", he approached Becky and awkwardly wrapped his arm on her waist so he could help her walk to the couch. Becky's protests died as soon as she tripped on her third step and her inability to walk by herself was proven.

"So, you're the hubby, huh? Y' know, she's too pretty for ya" the ginger blurted out, her eyes scrutinizing Gerald as they entered the living room. 

Completely blushed, he helped her sit on the couch where he has set a tidy improvised bed. 

"Good, Gerald. You can go upstairs now, keep the bed warm for when I'm back." 

"Are you sure you'll be ok?" he seemed hesitant, his eyes going back and forth from Linda to the tipsy redhead that observed them with a curious stare.

"Of course I will, what do you think I am?" she rolled her eyes, not in the mood to put up with his reluctance.

"Sorry. Call if you need anything." 

Linda nodded and shooed him with a slight hand gesture. He didn't waste anymore time, turning around and going back upstairs. 

"You're mean to him." Becky said as soon as he left, her tone was a mix of disproving and amused. 

"He likes it. He's as much as a lamb as you." she got closer to the couch, staring down at the woman sitting there. 

"I'm not a-- that!" it was so much easier to make Becky blush when she was drunk, it was impossible for Linda not to smile. But then her eyes caught on a very distinctive stain on Becky's sleeve. 

"What the--" she grabbed her arm and held it closer to her face so she could make sure what it was. Sure enough, Becky had clearly used her shirt to wipe the vomit from her mouth, leaving a telling smear on it. "Fuck. You're not gonna sully my couch, take this off." 

"What? No! Hey!" Linda ignored her protests and pulled the shirt from her, still wondering if this was how dealing with a child would be. 

When the shirt was off, though, Linda stopped in her tracks. Her eyes locked on Becky's now exposed skin, but not for all the reasons she thought it would be. No, she wasn't mesmerized by her beauty, she was horrified. There were bruises all over her, in many different stages of cicatrization, some very light and almost healing, others looking almost black. And Linda had no doubt where they came from, there was no mistaking this kind of thing. 

"Jesus fucking Christ. So the rumors are true." it was all she could muster to whisper, her voice almost breaking. She didn't want to believe it when she heard people talk about Becky Barnes being beat by her husband. It couldn't be true, not the Becky she knew, not the bright, confident cheerleader who always stood up for her sense of justice. 

"There's rumors?" the redhead's voice trembled a little, as she looked up at her with puppy eyes. 

Linda couldn't fight her impulse to reach out a hand and touch the woman's face in a soft caress. Becky leaned into it, like she was craving that kind of affection, and it sunk something in the blonde's chest. 

"Why do you let him do this?" she couldn't understand it, how anyone could keep themself in a situation like that.

"I… I don't know." the pain in her voice was clear, and it hurt Linda in a way she didn't even know was possible. And, of course, she promptly turned that hurt in anger, a feeling she actually knew how to process. Anger at Becky, for staying with someone that hurt her like that, and especially anger at Stanley for what he did. 

"You should've let him die in the street, back then." she said between gritted teeth, remembering that Becky knew that piece of garbage from when she nursed him after that car accident.

"Linda! That's horrible!" she reprimanded, and the blonde rolled her eyes.

" _ He  _ is horrible! If I knew this would happen, I'd have actually ridden over him when I had the chance." she meant it. Some people deserve to die, and that son of a bitch was certainly one of them. 

"Why you care so much?" she sounded like she was genuinely asking that, even though Linda's hand was still caressing the side of her face, and her cluelessness was so ridiculous the blonde let out a little sarcastic laugh.

"How you're so stupid, Barnes? You better go to sleep now, you're trashed." she took her hand away from Becky's face, but the redhead grabbed it before she could step away.

"No, wait! I don't wanna sleep now. And… AND I have something to say!" Linda arched an eyebrow, not expecting it to be actually serious, judging by how blurted her voice sounded. "I have a big problem, and I need your help. That's why I came here."

"Yes, I do have a lawyer, I can even get him to make a discount for you, but we can talk about this tomorrow." she said, assuming, of course, that Becky's problem was her abusive husband. 

"Huh? What you talking 'bout?" the ginger had a confused look on her face, and Linda sighed in exasperation.

"Isn't that what you want my help with? A lawyer to divorce the bastard?" it was obvious to her, but Becky's eyes widened in shock.

"No! No no no no! I don't wanna divorce!" she sounded almost desperate, just like when she begged to don't go home. 

"Geez, you're a fucking moron." 

"Linda, listen to me!" she reached up and grabbed the blonde by the sides of her head, bringing her down to get their faces on the same level. "You're not listening to me! I have a real problem!"

"I know you do, and you're ignoring it!" she was so frustrated with that stubborn stupid woman for wanting to stay with that asshole. And why did Becky always had to grab her and keep her close like that when she was drunk? 

"No! You're the one ingo... inog..." she stumbled on the word, and Linda rolled her eyes, getting more uncomfortable with the closeness of their faces.

"Then what is your problem, Barnes?" 

"I'm pregnant." Becky whispered, and Linda's brow furrowed in a mix of confusion and surprise.

"Now you lost me. What do I have to do with this?" she took the woman's hands from her face and stood straight again.

"It's… I wanna… I can't keep it." she looked at her own lap, sounding hesitant.

"Oh God, please don't ask me to raise it!" 

"No! I have to… y'know, stop this, now." her voice was barely a whisper. Linda let out a sigh and sit by her side on the couch. 

"Is it someone else's?" she asked, trying to understand Becky's reasoning. 

"No, it's Stanley's! That's the problem! I can't… have his seed inside me, I can't let him be a father, I…" the redhead's hands were shaking, and Linda took them in hers, squeezing them slightly. 

"You can't even fathom the idea of having his child, but you still won't leave the guy? I don't get you, Barnes, you're insane." her words were harsh, even though her hands caressed hers softly in her best attempt at comfort. "And I still don't get how I can help with that."

Becky looked up at her, a mix of sadness and hope in her eyes. 

"Isn't your doctor a husband?" it took Linda a second to get what she was saying.

"Yes, my husband is a doctor. But he's a plastic surgeon, not a gynecologist." 

"Too many big words. Can he do it for me?" Linda snorted at her drunk stupidity.

"Maybe. We can see it tomorrow, ok?" 

She couldn't make any promises, but that seemed to be enough for Becky, because the next thing she knew she was being hugged by her. And, in that moment, Linda just wrapped her arms around her and allowed herself enjoy that closeness. 

It was baffling for her, the fact that she could never truly move on from Becky. So much time had passed, so much has changed for both of them, and Linda still found herself pinning over that infuriating redhead every time they saw each other. She tried to convince herself that it was because she never actually got that crush out of her system, but after so many years, it was hard to pretend it was just that. Would she ever stop loving her? Or would her life be always plagued by this one stubborn feeling?

Either way, she knew a moment like this wouldn't happen again anytime soon, so she had to enjoy every aspect of it while it lasted. Becky's face was buried in the crook of her neck, and Linda didn't fight the urge to rest her own face on the top of her head, her lips lightly grazing her forehead as she took in the scent of that pretty auburn hair. She still used the same perfume, sickening sweet, and it was almost shameful how much Linda missed that smell. 

One of Becky's arms, that was thrown over Linda's shoulder, slid down a bit and she started fidgeting with the tips of the blonde hair and the hem of her robe. The breath hitting the skin of her neck sent chills all over her spine, and made Linda forget herself in that moment. Her hands on the woman's back started to absently caress her, feeling the bare skin on her fingertips with the lightest of touches, and something stirred inside her when she felt Becky shivering. 

Almost as a response, she felt the hand in her robe moving to touch the skin beside it, a finger lightly touching her collarbone, and she held her breath. What the hell was going on? Did Becky have any conscience of what she was doing? Was she…? But before Linda could take any conclusions or decide what to do, the moment was broken by the ginger's voice. 

"Did your boobs get bigger?" was the last thing Linda expected to hear, and the silliness of that, as well as her dragged out tone, made it clear that Becky was too drunk to be aware of anything.

"You're gonna sleep now, Barnes." she said, holding the woman by the shoulders and pushing her away. She immediately missed the warmth of that embrace, and Becky didn't look very happy either, because she pouted almost childishly.

"Ok… at least I don't gotta sleep on the floor this time." she was still slightly pouting, but a little smile started to rise the corners of her mouth, and Linda couldn't help but let out a small laugh.

"Your a dumbass, I can't believe you remember this." she said, rolling her eyes at the woman's attempt to make a joke.

"Yeah I do! I even 'member why I did it!" Becky's eyes lit up with a sudden excitement, like she was just hit by the memory of that long ago night. 

"No, you don't." she shouldn't be entertaining that, she should ignore her and go upstairs, but… it's been ages since the last time they just had a light and fun time together, and Linda wouldn't say it out loud, but she missed that too much to let it go so fast. 

"I do!" the redhead reached her index finger to tap Linda's nose, in a gesture too silly not to smile at.

"So why was it?" she challenged, raising an eyebrow. Becky's finger in her nose went up to poke that eyebrow, like a cat playing with a moving object. 

"It was 'cause…" she started to answer, but Linda could see in her expression that she already lost track of what they were talking about. 

Her finger kept on poking the blonde's face, down to her cheeks and chin, but it stopped being silly when it started to lightly trace the shape of her lips. Linda caught her breath, a shiver running down her spine, and as Becky's fingers started to caress her face, she closed her eyes for just a heartbeat to enjoy that feeling. But that wasn't a dream, and she couldn't allow herself to drown on it.

"Becky, what are you doing?" she whispered, realising how close they were, as those fingers on her skin kept making her shiver. 

"I don't know…" but she didn't stop, her eyes following her fingers, that once again tentatively touched her lips.

Linda couldn't handle that temptation for much longer, she was just flesh and bone and Becky was making it too hard. In a weak attempt to make it stop, she grabbed the ginger hair and pushed her away. But the face Becky made at that… fuck, it just made it worst, the way she closed her eyes and parted her lips just made Linda want to forget all rationality. 

"Geez, why you're doing this to me?" she whispered, tightening the grip on her hair, and Becky opened her eyes to look at her, but Linda couldn't read her stare. "You're so trashed, you won't even remember this tomorrow..." she tried to remind herself of that, Becky was in no place to even know what she was doing. But her worst instincts were there too, the temptation to get what she wanted for so long. "I could do whatever I wanted with you…" Didn't she just push her away? Why were they so close again?

"I think you should." her voice was husky, and Linda was starting to lose her resolve. That was consent, right? Becky was explicitly asking for it, and Linda wanted her so fucking much… Gerald wouldn't even notice, and even if he did, it was worth it. 

"No!" she let go of Becky's hair and moved away, putting some distance between them. Linda didn't see herself as a good person, but she had limits. She wouldn't take advantage of Becky like that. "I can't. And you're just saying that because you get horny when you're drunk."

"That's not true!" Becky's face was flushed, and she made that adorable frown that took Linda back in the memories of their friendship.

"Of course it is. Back in high school, every time you got drunk you wanted to do body shots on everyone." she said, raising an eyebrow, and the redhead let out a loud laugh.

"High school was so fun!" Becky said between giggles, and Linda rolled her eyes. "You remember we were friends? We were unstoppable… I loved you, back then." her tone was nostalgic, and Linda averted her eyes, unable to deal with that untimely confession. 

"Just not the way I wanted..." she whispered in an impulse, still not looking at her eyes. 

Before Linda could even regret saying that, Becky closed the distance between them and pulled her to a kiss. When their lips met, any rationality and moral qualms faded away, the world narrowed to that moment, that need, that bliss. Their mouths clashed, hungry, demanding, exploring each other like they could memorize every corner, every touch. There was no sweetness, no softness, just raw and unibidden desire. 

Their hands were all over each other, grabbing and pulling closer, clinging like they would lose that moment if they lost that grip. Linda was more careful, still mindful of the bruises on the other woman, but Becky was feral, her short nails digging into Linda's skin and making her sigh between the rough kisses and biting of lips. The kiss tasted like mint and the very distinct lingering of alcohol that didn't let Linda's mind shut up for too long. 

_ This is wrong! She's too drunk, you can't do this!  _ The rational voice in her head screamed, but it was too hard to obey it when the person she desired for all her life was practically pinning her to the couch and kissing her senseless. She could have her, even if it was for just one night, she could have a taste of what she always dreamed about. Maybe it would even do the trick, take that desire out of her system, finally move on. Or maybe… maybe this could be the beginning of something else… 

No, this wasn't what she wanted, not like this, not with Becky too drunk to actually consent. And she was, right? She wasn't in any condition to make a conscious choice... Even though she was the one who started it? Even though she was the one pushing Linda to lay on the couch, and laying on top of her, and pressing their bodies so close together? But she wasn't doing it alone. Linda was kissing her as hard as she could, she was running her hands up and down her body and feeling every curve she used to admire from afar. And she was the one sober, she had to stop that. 

But when she parted the kiss, Becky's lips immediately went down to her neck. And  _ fuck _ , that felt too good. Her body reacted on its own, arching upward to press even herder against the ginger, their legs intertwining in a way that made her shiver. 

"Becky, stop." she managed to whisper, even though her tone was almost a moan. She tangled her hand on the auburn hair, ready to use it to push her away. 

"But I want you." Jesus fucking Christ, why doing the right thing was so hard? Why did Becky have to whisper those damned words in her ear like that? She kept on kissing and biting her skin, and Linda couldn't bring herself to stop it, the hand in her hair just gripping it tight and pulling her closer. Becky let out a soft little moan in her ear that sent shivers all over her body and took down any defenses that might still be up, so the next thing she whispered took Linda with her guard down. "I missed you, Tom" 

She immediately froze. Becky kept on kissing her neck, undisturbed, but now instead of pleasure Linda felt disgusted by her touch. She pushed the woman and slipped away from the couch so fast that it took the redhead a second to understand what had happened. 

"Linda--" she looked confused, but the blonde was too mad to care.

"Oh, now you remember my name." she spat out, letting her voice show the anger boiling up inside her. 

"I--" Becky tried to stand up and come in her direction, but Linda stopped her, pushing her back to the couch.

"Shut up! I don't wanna hear anything from you! Go to sleep, right now!" she forced the woman to lay down and covered her with the blanket almost aggressively, and Becky visibly cowered at her outburst. 

Linda left the living room before she did any other stupid thing, but she didn't have the nerve to go back to her room yet. Instead, she went to the kitchen and leaned on the counter, panting. Fuck, she needed a drink, a cigarette, something! But she couldn't have any of that, she had a living thing growing inside her, so she settled for a glass of water. Her hands trembled a little when she poured it. 

_ Shit, Linda, get a grip on yourself!  _ But it wasn't so easy, not after what just happened. What the hell just happened? Did she really just kiss Becky Barnes on her living room, with her husband upstairs? And not just merely kiss like they did in high school a couple of times, no, they were actually making out, hungry and passionate, hands everywhere and bodies intertwining so intimately… it felt too good to be true. And now Linda knew why: because it wasn't true. It was Becky's drunk delusion about Tom fucking Huston. 

Linda had to control herself not to smash that cup in her hand, so angry she got thinking about it. Fucking Tom, she hated him so much! And Becky, too, for making her feel those things, for igniting that flame and then quenching it mercilessly, for using her like that, like she was a fucking backup. 

And Linda was also angry with herself, for falling into that so easily. She felt so stupid! What the hell was she thinking? That Becky Barnes actually wanted her? After all this time, after all the shit that they went through? Of course not! That only happened because that moron was too drunk to discern anything. 

That's why it never should have happened. Linda should have stopped that madness before it escalated, she should have pushed her away sooner, rather than later. And she would've done it, even if Becky hadn't blurted out that cursed name, she was ready to push her away. Right? She wouldn't keep that going, not with Becky on that state. Right? 

Linda didn't have the state of mind to think about it in that moment. It was too much to process at once, and she had a lot of anger and a lingering desire boiling inside her that she needed to address somehow. So she finally went back upstairs, back to the master suite she shared with her husband. He was under the blankets, a crosswords puzzle in his hand.

"Hey babe. Sorry, I just ate the rest of the popcorn, but do you wanna finish the movie?" he asked as she closed the door.

"Forget the movie. Put this shit down, too." she said as she took off her robe, and Gerald immediately put the pen and paper he was holding back on his nightstand, without even taking his eyes from her. "Now lay in there and be still, I'm going to fuck you" she turned off the lights, plunging the room in total darkness. 

"Woah, ok--"

"Quiet. I don't wanna hear any sound from you." he went silent immediately, and she climbed on the bed.

Without seeing or hearing him, it was easier to pretend it was anyone else, and Linda could let it all out on him. All her anger and frustration, all her need and desire for that twat downstairs, all her doubts about herself and all the confusing and misguided feelings she barely knew how to address. Was it healthy to do it like this? Hell no! But it's what she had, and it was better than facing Becky the next day with all that still on her chest. Not that it would go away completely, it never did, but at least she felt some relief for some time, and it had to be enough. 


	2. How I regret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Becky wakes up in Linda's couch, with a huge hangover and no memories of last night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw for discussion of abortion, mentions of vomit and mentions of domestic violence. No actual descriptions of any of this things.

Becky woke up with her head trying to split itself in half. She slowly opened her eyes, but the light hurt too much to keep them open. She couldn't see much on that split second, but she didn't recognize what she saw.

"Shit, where am I?" she mumbled, burying her face on the pillow. The last thing she remembers was before she was halfway through that bottle of vodka that she's decided to drown her fears in. 

"Thank God you're alive, I was beginning to think I'd have to dispose of your body." She heard a familiar voice, one she was not expecting to hear.

"Linda?" she didn't move or open her eyes.

"No, it's fucking Santa." Becky could almost hear the woman's eyes rolling.

"Am I in your house?" oh God, from all the stupid shit she could do when drunk, knocking at Linda's door was probably one of the worst. 

"Yep, up in the North Pole." her voice was a sneer. Becky groaned and put the pillow over her face. 

"I'm too hungover for your sass." she whined, and then heard footsteps getting closer, resounding on her ears louder than they should actually be.

"Oh, I'm sorry, am I bothering you, princess? Should I leave my home so you can have your rest undisturbed?" now she was by her side, and she didn't lower her voice even a bit. 

Was she doing that on purpose to make Becky's head hurt even more? She certainly wasn't above that. And she sounded like she was pissed, too. But of course she would be, it probably wasn't very pleasant to have someone show up completely drunk in your doorstep in the middle of the night, especially if it was someone you hate like Linda hates her.

"I'm sorry…" she whispered, feeling like trash.

"What was that? I didn't hear you, say it again, loud and clear, will you?" that bitch was just taunting her! But Becky knew she was in the wrong this time, so she gave it to her. 

"I'm sorry, Linda!" she repeated louder, even though her throat felt too dry for it.

"Good girl. Here, have some aspirin." 

_ Fucking bitch _ ! But all Becky could do was groan and take the pillow from her head. It was still a little too bright for her taste, but she could see Linda's hands holding a glass of water and a pill. Feeling like her muscles weighted a tonne, she sat up and took the aspirin and the water, downing it all down and handing the empty glass back to the blonde. 

It was only then that she finally looked at her, as Linda put the glass on the center table and sit on an armchair next to the couch. Becky always thought it was bullshit when people said pregnancy made some women glow, but maybe it was true, because Linda was beautiful, even more than the usual. Or maybe it was just her new haircut, that complimented the high cheekbones she had. And she always looked good wearing white, the loose shirt she had on now made her look stylish without being overdone. 

_ Shit, am I staring? _ Fuck, she was, and Linda noticed, raising an eyebrow.

"See something you like, Barnes?" she taunted, and Becky glared at her.

"The opposite." she turned her face away and closed her eyes again, waiting for the medicine to make some effect. "How did I get here?"

"Driving." Linda said that like it was old news. Sure, it was for her, but Becky took that with surprise, her eyes opening again to stare at her in disbelief.

"Are you serious?" Becky couldn't believe she did that, she must have been more drunk than she thought, to throw away all caution like that.

"Of course I am! Your car is unscathed, so I guess you didn't hit anything on the way,  _ somehow _ . There's no justice in the world, clearly." Linda's voice was full of disdain, like always, but it looked like she was telling the truth.

"Fuck, I'm so stupid!" she mumbled, and the blonde let out a low laugh, almost a scoff.

"That we can agree on."

Becky made a face and looked away from Linda, turning her gaze to her own lap. That's when she realised something was missing. 

"Why I'm not wearing a shirt?" she asked, her fists grabbing the blanket on her legs and pulling it up to cover her torso. Shit, did Linda see her scars? As if anyone could miss that…

"Oh, yeah! You attempted to make a strip show to me and Gerald last night. We managed to stop you before anyone got traumatized, but you ripped your shirt in the process." Linda said that matter of factly, looking at her perfectly manicured nails, the usual scornful grin on her face, and there was no way of knowing if she was telling the truth or not.

The worst thing was: Becky didn't have a hard time believing that. She has been known to get kinda horny when drunk, and if she was far gone enough to think it was a good idea to take a car and drive to Linda's house, there was no telling what else she could have done. 

"I'm sorry..." she whispered, still clutching the blanket on her chest.

"You should be." her voice was cold, almost… too cold. 

"Did I do any other stupid thing I should regret?" the question was tentative, and she almost held her breath for the answer.

"Many." Linda looked at her with a little mean smile on the corner of her mouth. "But I rather you stay curious about it." damn! Linda liked to torture her like this in high school, and it seems old habits die hard. 

"That's not fair!" she was still too hungover to deal with things with some semblance of maturity. 

"Life isn't fair, Barnes." Linda went back to looking at her nails, and Becky glared at her own lap, not having a answer to that. 

They fell into an uncomfortable silence for a minute, and Becky's mind drifted off about that sentence. She was right, life wasn't fair, as much as the redhead wanted to believe that. Because, if it were fair, why wasn't she happy? She was a good person, she never broke the law, she was always kind to others, she even helped sick people for a living, for God's sake! Why did she get stuck with an evil man that made her miserable? Why all the people she once loved were now happy on a family they've built and they were not in her life at all? Well, expect for drunk midnight visits, apparently. 

"You should eat something." Linda broke the silence, and she turned to look at her again. "What do you want?"

"No, I… I don't want to bother. I should just leave, actually." she started to get up, even though her head was complaining about the sudden movement.

"Oh for fuck's sake!" Linda got up from her armchair and in a second her hands were in Becky's shoulders, forcing get down on the couch again. "You're not leaving like this! If I wanted a car crash on my front yard, I'd just not let you in last night."

"I can take care of myself, Linda! And I've burdened you enough as it is." she protested, even though she let the shorter woman push her back to the couch .

"Yes you have, so can you stop being a pain in the ass and stay quiet? And no, you clearly can't take care of yourself." Becky looked up to glare at her.

"How can you be mean even when you're helping me?" it was baffling, really, but Linda actually laughed at that. 

"That's 'cause you're such an easy prey, Barnes." she mocked, and the redhead rolled her eyes. "But really now, what do you want to eat? Is there anything that's making you nauseous lately? I don't want you throwing up in my house again." that took Becky's attention.

"What do you mean?" she asked, alarmed.

"Oh yeah, it was like the first thing you did when you got here, quite disgusting, really." Linda went back to her armchair, and it took a second for her hungover mind to get that they weren't talking about the same thing.

"No, I mean… what do you mean about any food making me nauseous?"  _ oh God, please say I didn't tell her… _ she silently prayed, but it was no use.

"Oh. Well, I got sick a lot in my first two or three months…" Linda shrugged, and Becky took a deep breath.

"So I told you, huh?" she shouldn't be surprised. Of course her drunk ass would talk about the thing that was bothering her so much, the very reason she got that drunk in the first place. 

"Yup. Will you stop dodging my question? I just want to know what you can eat." Linda had no chills, she never did. 

"Anything, I guess. I don't think I've been sick yet." she shrugged, and the blonde got up from where she was sitting.

"Lucky motherfucker. Hold on, I'll bring you something." 

Becky hugged her knees and rested her forehead on them, letting the physical and emotional pain she was feeling sink in for a minute. That was surely one of the worst moments in her life. No, scratch that, it was probably its lowest point. She was so trapped on Stanley's web, everything just got worse as time passed, and she saw no way of getting out. They were ok at first, even with his possessiveness, as long as she didn't go to parties and stuff, he would be cool, he wouldn't hurt anyone. 

But then he lost his job, and after that he couldn't stick for long in any job, and when he was unemployed he was drunk and angry more often. And this anger would always come out, one way or another, so it was better that he took it out on her, than on other people. She made a vow, on her graduation, to always help those in need, and this was a way of helping everyone, to prevent what happened to that poor boy from repeating itself. She was a shield. That's why that fetus in her couldn't be born, she had to protect it too, from having a father like that. 

She heard Linda's footsteps coming back, and raised her head to see the woman walking in with a Cinnabon box in one hand and a mug on the other. 

"Here, Gerald got an extra pair for you." she said, handing her the food, and the smell of cinnamon rolls and coffee made Becky smile.

"How sweet of him. And you made coffee for me?" she asked with a smile, knowing how Linda hated the beverage, and the blonde made a face before sitting beside her at the couch.

"Well, this shit is disgusting, but it makes you a little less unbearable." 

Becky just glared at her for a second and then started to eat. The silence settled in again, still a bit uncomfortable. It still baffled Becky that her drunk mind decided to go to Linda in her most vulnerable moment, even though the woman have been nothing but terrible to her every time they met on the latest years. Wherever they saw each other, Linda never wasted an opportunity to mock, belittle or humiliate her. 

Still, Becky kept thinking about her, about the time they were friends… was there something wrong with her? Why did she keep gravitating towards people that hurt her? But there she was, and Linda wasn't hurting her, aside from the usual snark. In fact, she was helping more than Becky would have expected.

Then she heard a beeping noise coming from another room, and Linda stood up, leaving her alone again without saying a word. While she was gone, the redhead finished eating the cinnamon rolls, and she was licking the frosting from her fingers when Linda came back. Becky noticed she stopped on the doorway, and she could feel the woman's gaze upon her, but she just kept doing what she was doing until her fingers were clean from the frosting. Only then she raised her eyes to the blonde.

"See something you like, Mrs. Monroe?" she teased, mimicking her words from earlier, a little suggestive smile on her lips. What the fuck was she doing? Was she that desperate to feel something,  _ anything _ other than fear and pain? It was a terrible idea and she should have stayed quiet, after all, Linda hated her and would just use that to humiliate her somehow.

"Just the pastries." she sounded indifferent, and Becky took that as a win. 

"You should have asked for a bite earlier." she tried to sound innocent, as if she didn't just make the mistake of almost flirting with her ex best friend and now enemy. 

Linda rolled her eyes and went back to the couch, tossing a cloth to her before sitting down. "Here, get yourself dressed." it was Becky's shirt, and she inspected it for a second.

"It's not ripped!" she was confused, but dressed it anyway. Linda, on the other hand, let out a loud laugh with her words. 

"Did you actually believe that story? Oh God, you're so silly, Barnes! Of course it's not ripped, you just smeared it when you threw up. I got it cleaned." so the beep she heard must have been the dryer. Becky was surprised with that, not that Linda lied about the strip thing, but that she actually cleaned her shirt.

"Thanks, Linda." 

"Yeah, whatever." she made a dismissive gesture with her hand. "Ok, now that you're medicated and fed, we can actually talk. Last night you said you wanted an abortion." Becky took a deep breath, not really ready to have that conversation. "And you wanted Gerald to help? I think this last part was just your wired drunk logic but…" 

"No, actually it kinda crossed my mind, but I wouldn't have come to ask if I hadn't been drunk, I would've just figured it out by myself. But since I'm here already…" she shrugged. Everything has already gone to hell, so all she could do was try to take whatever she could from the disaster of last night. "Does your husband know any doctors from other cities? Doesn't even have to be from the field, just someone who can reference me to a good clinic elsewhere."

"Probably. But why do you need this? Don't you work at the damn hospital?" 

"I don't wanna do it in Hatchetfield. People here gossip too much, and Stanley would find out…" she looked away from Linda and buried her face on her hands, breathing deeper to try and calm herself. "Although… there's no point in hiding anymore, you know it already, you certainly gonna gossip."

"Why would I do that?" her voice was serious, not an ounce of sarcasm, and Becky turned to look at her again.

"'Cause you hate me? You always try to put me down, this would be perfect." Linda let out a small sarcastic laugh that Becky wasn't sure of what meant. 

"That's true, but I wouldn't rat you out like that." Becky frowned at this words, and Linda seemed to notice it, so she clarified. "I mean, you have dirt on me, so you could retaliate." 

"Do I?" Becky didn't usually think like that, retaliation and keeping people's wrongdoings on her sleeve, but Linda has always been like this.

"You're the only one who knows about the car accident, aren't you?" 

"Oh, right." she made a face, and Linda rolled her eyes.

"I can't believe you're so naive you never thought of it! I shouldn't have said anything." she mocked, but Becky wasn't in the mood for that.

"Oh, sorry if I'm a good person and don't keep tabs on this kind of petty revenge stuff." she spat back, and Linda let out a small sarcastic laugh.

"Yeah, you're a fucking saint. That's why you keep getting screwed over."

"I don't wanna hear it, Linda, not today." Becky said with a sigh, letting it show how tired and defeated she was feeling. Linda glared, and she looked about to say something, but then her expression softened a bit and she nodded, letting the subject go. 

Becky took a deep breath, and a second of tense silence passed before Linda took her phone and started dialing.

"Gerald? Yes, everything's fine. She's ok. Yes, she liked the pastries, Gerald, can I talk now?" Becky had to smile at that. She didn't know Gerald personally, but he seemed like a very nice guy, and she wondered how he ended up under Linda's toe. 

"Do you know any abortion clinics outside of Hatchetfield? No, Gerald, it's not for me! Stop crying! I said I'm keeping it, when did you see me get back on my word? That's right. No, I won't tell you why I'm asking, Gerald, I just want you to answer." a few seconds passed. 

"All right, so make the phone calls and get back at me. Oh, you're coming? Ok. No you don't have to bring takeout! No, Gerald! We talked about this, I let you have Cinnabon for breakfast, that's enough for one day. No I'm not having any wishes, Gerald. I'm sure. Bye Gerald." 

Becky had to hold herself not to laugh at that conversation, and the way Linda made gestures when she talked on the phone as if her husband could see her. It was really cute, and Becky just realised she was smiling when Linda put down the phone and turned to face her with a glare.

"What's this stupid look on your face?"

"It's called a smile. Have you never seen one before?" she mocked, and Linda's glare became more murderous.

"Fuck you. Look, Gerald said he might know someone, he'll make some calls, and he's coming home right after, so you just wait a little longer and we can get this over with."

"Kay. Thanks, Linda." she was still smiling, just because it seemed to annoy Linda for some reason. 

"You can stop thanking me, I got that already. And stop looking at me like this!" Becky's smile became a giggle, making Linda even more frustrated. "What's gotten into you? Are you still drunk?" 

"I'm not drunk, you're funny" she said between giggles. It's been so long since she felt like this, just having some silly fun annoying Linda. 

"I'm not funny! You're ridiculous, Barnes." she rolled her eyes as the laughter slowly died out.

"I missed you" it was just a whisper, but Linda seemed to take it as an insult, turning her face away.

"Stop it. I'm just helping you because you showed up here and I didn't want you to crash in my fence or my neighbours to see a drunk woman passing out on my doorstep, ok? It's not high school again, grow out of it, Rebecca." 

Becky's smile faded immediately. She hated being called her full name, and Linda knew that. The blonde sounded genuinely mad, not just regularly annoyed, and that made her pause. She was right, Becky was trying to relive that happy time, but it was a lie, an illusion. There was no way of going back in time, as much as she wanted it. 

They fell in silence, Linda just scrolling her phone while Becky stared at the ceiling, reminiscing. From all the losses she had, Linda was the one she regretted the most. Losing Tom was hard, but it was fate, bad luck, whatever you wanna call it, there was no avoiding it. But losing Linda was her own fault, it happened because she was a stupid and confused teenager that didn't realise she liked her best friend as something more than that. 

At the time, she was in love with Tom, she wanted to spend all her time with him, and part of her also wanted Linda to see her like Tom did, appreciate her and give her affection like he did. But she was too immature by then, she didn't even acknowledge that she could like a girl, much less that she could be in love with two people at once. It literally took her years to rationalise it all realise what she truly felt, and by then it was too late. 

Sometimes, Becky wondered how things would have been if she had figured out her feelings sooner. There would have been some disaster involved, because at some point she would have confessed it to Linda and the blonde would certainly reject her. But at least… Becky wouldn't have broken her heart like she did, at least there would be a possibility that they remained as friends. But there was no use in thinking like that, she couldn't change the past. 

It didn't take much longer for Gerald to arrive, even though it felt like too long because of the uncomfortable, tense mood between them. Linda got up immediately when they heard the telling noise of keys on the front door. 

"Gerald, thank God…" she sounded relieved, and honestly Becky was too. Gerald walked inside and greeted Linda with a kiss on her forehead before turning to Becky.

"Hello, miss Barnes, good to see you're alright." he greeted, with a gentle smile on his face.

"Hi, it's nice to finally meet you properly. Thanks so much for everything, mr. Monroe." they shook hands, and Linda rolled her eyes by their side. 

"Ok, are you two morons over with the pleasantries?" no chills, and Gerald looked at her with the face of someone who was used to Linda's moods. 

"Here, honey, I wrote down the contacts you asked for." he said, taking a piece of paper from his pocket and handing it to her. "And how is daddy's boy today?" his voice became childish, and he knelt to kiss Linda's belly. 

"Gerald, we talked about this, stop talking to my stomach as if it were a puppy!" the blonde complained, her voice going up a little.

"I'm talking to our son, Linda!" he protested, without getting up and the woman rolled her eyes again.

"Yes, exactly, and I want him to be a tough boy, not a fucking puppy!" this time it was Gerald who rolled his eyes, and he turned his attention back to Linda's belly.

"Don't mind your mommy, this is just her way caring about you." he went back to the childish voice.

"Gerald, get up!" her voice was so commanding that he immediately stood. 

Becky just wanted to disappear, she felt like she shouldn't be witnessing any of that. It was cute, she could see that Linda actually cared about him and that baby, despite her attitude, and Gerald looked like he could see through that and was the perfect sweet balance to her bitterness. But it only made her feel worse. She wanted that so bad, that kind of happiness they had… But she couldn't have that, not with Stanley. And she also couldn't be by Linda's side.

"Just go do something else and let me see our guest out, will you?" Linda was her bitchy self, and Gerald just nodded and said his goodbyes to Becky before going inside. 

When the two women were alone again, Linda handed Becky the paper, and she put it in her pocket. 

"Wait a second." the blonde said, before walking to a sideboard and reaching inside a white leather purse that was on top of it. She came back to Becky handing her a small business card. "Here, my attorney, in case you decide to solve your other problem." 

The redhead raised an eyebrow, but pocketed it as well. She wouldn't question, not by that point. Linda has helped her much more than most people would, and Becky wouldn't forget that. She also wouldn't leave without showing how thankful she was, so she just hugged the blonde one last time. 

"Wha--" Linda started to protest but Becky just held her tighter, and after a second she felt her arms going around her waist. 

She knew it was just a little moment, that what they had in school would never come back. No matter how warm and comfortable being in those tiny arms felt, no matter how much she needed her, how she needed care and support, it was fleeting, it would go away as soon as she moved. Because it didn't belong to her, not anymore, she's lost Linda long ago, and that little moment was stolen. 

She slowly moved away, reluctant to let go, and for a split second she had the impression that Linda held her tighter. But she must have been mistaken, because the next second the blonde was pushing her away. The hug was over, and she didn't even have it in her to look Linda in the eyes after it.

"Bye, Linda." Becky didn't thank or apologise again, she knew the best thing she could do was turn her back and walk away. And try to let the past go. 


End file.
